Fasten Your Seat Belts

I don’t think I’ve quite arrived back in the land of happy, but it feels good to know that I’m en route. That is not something I could’ve said three weeks ago. Three weeks ago, I probably thought the land of happy was just a crazy myth. I used to be afraid that it didn’t exist, but now I am kind of afraid that it will cease to exist before I reach it. The following is a list of things that I believe live in the land of happy:

- My nieces
- Barnes & Noble
- iTunes
- My iPod
- Lucie
- Spring & Summer
- Iced Coffee
- Vacations
- Myself

I’m looking forward to getting reacquainted with all these things.

I got some really great advice this morning. I was told that I need to learn how to be present. And to accept what I’m feeling in each moment. Personally, this is a hard concept for me to grasp. I stay constantly busy so that my mind is occupied with things other than my feelings. And after a few glasses of wine, they all bubble up to the surface. That can’t be healthy. It was interesting to be told that it’s okay to FEEL. To recognize, acknowledge, process, and move on. I’ve spent so much time running in the opposite direction of what I’m feeling so that when they do catch up to me, I’m completely caught off guard. The processing part doesn’t end up so well.

For some reason, I’ve always thought of emotions as a weakness, or a flaw. No one taught me that, though. I just assumed that being emotional was a cry for help; and if you needed help, then you were not strong. I’ll stop myself there before I delve into the complexities of my childhood. I guess the quick net of this is that the next step is working on feeling. Because the sooner you feel, the sooner you heal. I think I just made a rhyme.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth

Wikipedia says that self-worth is a synonym or near synonym for self-esteem. Seeing as that anyone with internet access can edit Wikipedia, I will choose to believe that this definition is not valid. I think there is a difference between self-esteem and self-worth. For example, I have a lot of self-esteem, but seem to be lacking in self-worth. Hmm.. Well, I’ve built up a lot of defense mechanisms that give me self-esteem and my inner core is lacking in self-worth. However, I believe it doesn’t matter how much self-esteem you have if you don’t have any self-worth. But where do we find self-worth? Must we be narcissistic enough to say “I’m worth it”, and believe it? Perhaps this is the perfect time to make some time for myself.

I was reading an article of http://www.livestrong.com/ and it gave me this little gem of advice: "don't dwell on your weaknesses; every human has them." I think I've spent a lot of time apologizing to myself and to others for my weaknesses. Maybe instead of apologizing, I should accept my weaknesses and feel encouraged to turn the negative energy I have been harboring into positive energy. Maybe in my weaknesses, it is possible to find strength. Or the conviction to become stronger.

My weaknesses are my personal demons and at times, they are buried so deep within me that they're easy to hide behind self-esteem; however, they always end up affecting my self-worth and my relationships with others. This is the area in which I must focus my effort. I think the answer lies in spending time with myself, engaging in activities that I enjoy doing, and just becoming comfortable. It sounds so easy. Why haven’t I done this sooner? I don’t think I’ve ever been ready to seriously face myself. To look at myself and say, “This is who you are. This is your life, these are your experiences, these are your scars.” I must be strong enough for myself if I ever want anyone else to be strong enough for me.

"Look around you, remember that you started with nothing, and know that everything you see, you created. We can all lose our feelings of self-worth, especially when something goes wrong in our world. The truth is that if you have done it before, you can do it again-no matter what"

Oh hey sup, 2011

01.01.11. That was yesterday. It seems pretty auspicious; what with all those 1’s being involved. I have tried many times over the past few years to start blogging again. The last time I started was after my last final of my freshman year of college. Those entries consisted mostly of “omg I’m done with finals lolz !!!” That’s actually not exactly true; I have never used ‘lol’ in my entire life. It’s a claim to fame I cherish dearly. So why now? Why 2011? Because shortly before the year ended, someone I care for dearly told me that I was beautiful, smart, and kind, and that I didn’t believe it for myself. Now that the tides have turned, I am determined to find myself again through my writing. And hopefully well before the end of the year, I can look back at all the great things in my life and truly cherish who I am, what I have, and where I’m going.

This is my blogging journey. Again.